Well, it’s March 4th, the only date that’s also a command. (March forth! Get it? Get it??)

That’s a homophone. If you’re a homophobe, don’t answer the homophone. You could get cooties.

If you’re standing around minding your own business and someone runs toward you in a frenzy waving their arms and shouting, “I’m looking for the man who stole my waffles!” always ask if they’re sure that a man stole their waffles. We shouldn’t assume.

According to the Federal Trade Commission, there is no such organization as “The Clean Plate Club.”

Some excellent band names. Today and today only, you can have them for free.

Cannibal Cricket
Say Yes to the Duress
Groan Ass Man Squad
Julius Seizure
Lou Smeet
Baby-Headface
The Inevitability of Toluca Lake
E Harmony Oswald
Pernicious Anemia
Peek-a-boo
Mundane Screech Attack

In case you’re wondering, it’s partly cloudy here in the desert, and the Joshua Trees are blooming like crazy.

This Chicken Vindaloo is really spicy. I wonder how we came to eat spicy foods? They’re weird and we probably shouldn’t.

Apparently I’ve had an eBay account for 23 years, 4 months, and 27 days. Buy something from me.

WRITTEN BY A HUMAN